Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
