He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
