when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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