There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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