You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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