Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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