I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
