I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize