grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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