I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
