Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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