I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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