the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
