I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
