so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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