doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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