Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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