I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
