I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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