people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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