grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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