I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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