Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
