Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
