Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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