Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
