I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
