Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
