Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
