if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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