a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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