I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
