I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
