then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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