Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
