I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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