I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
