yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
