Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
