i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
