I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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