Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I can text with my tongue
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
