end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
