We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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