i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
