I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
