Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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