The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
