this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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