brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
