my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
