This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
