I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
