So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
