nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
