Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
