Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize