okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
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i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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