Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
