he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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